Cold Hands, Warm Heart.

So what if you catch me?

2006-04-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

... Remy Zero - Fair ...

This week has been so strange. Missing a few days for FCCLA States in Greensboro was a pleasure. We won State Champions for the second year in a row, so we get the honor of going to Nationals for a second time. It was a lot of fun. Shelby hosted two "dance parties" in the dark of her room. She's silly.

I didn't make Dance Ensemble. I figured I would actually be upset, but in reality, I don't care. I made Acting II Ensemble, and that's all I'm really concerned about. I suppose that'll be my focus next year, as opposed to Dance this year.

What I love about the season of spring is that it encourages change. I'm not necesarily the largest fan of change, but sometimes the invitation of an open window while cleaning my room even I cannot deny. The weather is beautiful. Last night, Sara, Sara, Lily, Lissa, Siler, Ray, Zach and myself went to the Lumina to see a movie. After the movie, we frollicked about in the grass, laying, singing, and just eating up every bit of the beautiful night sky.

I've been feeling strangely lately. Somewhat selfish, lonely, and nostalgic all at once. I cannot explain my actions, or "where I've been." I feel slightly robotic in my daily routine. I don't feel the same, something or someone has changed me. I don't know how I feel about that yet.

At bottom, I'm quiet and pure.

2006-03-30T20:03:00.000-08:00

Preview of this weekend/upcoming week:

Friday:
-Erin's birthday
-Driving exam after school
-Show #2, 5:30(SHOW AT 7, BE THERE)
-Something afterwards?

Saturday:
-Show #3, 5:30(SHOW AT 7, BE THERE)
-Cast Party
-Something afterwards?

Sunday:
-Entire day-long FCCLA cram session
-Pack for States

Monday-Wednesday:
-FCCLA States(aka, the time in which I have a nervous breakdown and force all of my friends to hate me because I get so angry)
-Dance Auditions Wednesday, 3:15

Thursday:
-Make up all work completed, including Dante test
-Vocal auditions for Loch
-Acting II Ensemble auditions for Carlin

This is basically just to organize myself. Tonight's show went pretty damn well, nothing too drastic happened. I just feel like we were so drained that it wasn't the best it could be. I did have a bit of a booty-dance session before hand with some of the cast. What a good night.

Is this what you wanted? Is this what you needed?

2006-03-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

You know what I need?

I need to wash my hands. I need to find three dollars. I need to remind my dad that I can get my license tomorrow. I need to throw my cupcake wrapper away. I need to take a day to clean my room. I need to do some laundry. I need to find three dollars. I need to read my Canto for English. I need to bring the laptop back to the StuCo office. I need to find my dance flats. I need to get my double for the combination. I need to practice "Limp." I need to attempt my math homework. I need to put away my jewelry. I need to find my old planner, because this one is large and purple. I need to find something to eat. I need to lose weight. I need to stop wanting you. I need to look into him. I need to pluck my eyebrows. I need to return Mr. Winstead his book. I need to brush my teeth.

I just need a minute to catch my breath.

Metal heart, you're not worth a thing.

2006-03-22T19:27:00.000-08:00

So why does it hit me on nights like these? I see the faces of your friends every day, I use your name to shape my past to the unknowing minds of new peers, but it doesn't feel real. Where'd you go? You come and go in bouts out of my control, you leave me more often than I can feel you. I keep myself busy enough to not constantly let my mind wander to you, but I never imagined it'd get to the point where it wouldn't hurt to hear your name. In the most freakish way possible, I miss the pain of your memory.

He has a new girlfriend. I can imagine your reaction, and I almost hate her for you. Hell, I do hate her for you. Sadly, I hate myself more for allowing this crack in the rearview mirror to catch my eye, and slowly allow myself to be led off the road.

You have to learn to pace yourself
Pressure
You're just like everybody else
Pressure
You've only had to run so far
So good
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face

And you'll have to deal with
Pressure

I'm nothing without their love.

2006-03-21T19:29:00.000-08:00

...Anyone Can Play Guitar - Radiohead...

I have been doing a hell of a lot of sniffling lately. My ever-supportive friends laugh at the bits of tissue lodged up my nostrils, and I truly enjoy not being able to hear myself sing for musical practice. I'm just a basket full of complaints.

Standing in Lily's room today, I was overcome by a wave of realization and happiness. I truly love the people I'm surrounded by every day. In the high of my bliss, I ran to Sara to give her a hug and ending up starting a bit of lesbian action. Not purposefully, but still, it happened. It's not the first time that girl has come on to me, I swear. Back to the original thought though, it was just this surge of warmth when I looked around at the faces in the room. Lily, Sara, Chelsy, and Lissa were all in the depths of their own minds and my heart went to them. To observe the ones you love in their own mindset, without their knowledge, is eye-opening. They're such amazing creatures. (I'm such a creature of sight! ... Ten bucks if you got that.) Who else would let me wear basically everything they own on a day-to-day basis? Or kiss them with such temper, such passion, and not be phased?

But seriously... I am so glad that I have passionate, open, beautiful companions and I cannot wait until summer falls upon us- because the joviality of life and comfort feels so much better magnified in the sunshine. Plus, this rain is getting old.

Picture props to Alex- only the coolest cat ever.

I was a camera until I went blind.

2006-03-18T10:46:00.000-08:00

...Train Under Water - Bright Eyes...

What an eventful week. Musical is finally pulling together with pit for what, I hope, will be a fantastic show. Chill-out was the most boring day of my life, but I'm glad I got it over with. Personal matters are looking up.

Last night, Lily, Siler, Lissa, Sara(x2), Brian, and myself congrigated at Sara G's house. Old barns(aka site of my heart attack. Thanks, Brian.), "row, row, row your boat," Desperado, bicycle races, The Pelican Brief, fake ducks, green cookies and mouths, dancing to bad pop music, and sleeping in Lily's coughing arms. The long ride home, rapping with Siler, then Nada Surf and talking with my girl.

What a good night.

I say damn your mood swings.

2006-03-13T19:09:00.000-08:00

... I'm Ready - Tracy Chapman ...

I am wondering what I have gotten myself into. I just pushed my glasses up from the bridge of my nose. I hate when I crinkle paper and don't recycle it. My feet feel tired. I'm wondering why my right leg feels more sore than my left. I think I'll get the double in the dance at some point, at least I pray. The toothpaste on my neck just tingled, and in a daze I let it brush upon my sweater. It smells minty. I have two scratches from branches on my left foot. I remember discovering that love and OCD are very similar in National Geographic on Saturday. The ceiling fan's breezy creation tickles my neck. I refuse to finish my homework. I might've just swallowed a bug. I'm wearing one black shoe, and one white. I wonder how I always end up with Lily's things.

I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. I am the son and heir of nothing in particular. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.

Despite the absence of Alex in Chatham County, today was the perfect today to be alive.

I look at you looking back at me.

2006-03-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

So Alex's snazzy new blog convinced me to leave my Xanga ways and express my thoughts in one of these little guys. I'm easily impressed, what can I say?

Last night was Anti-Prom. The girls(plus Alex, Brian and Gabe) gathered at Sara's house beforehand and got dolled up, then met the gang at Magianno's. We ate one of the greatest meals ever, then all headed to Robert's house.

Soccer ensued for the athletic types, but Alex, Tyson, and I enjoyed re-arranging the Pepsi's more than most would. Then as the other kids played football, Sara and myself fornicated on the cement. We then built a fire, snuggled up, and watched Scrubs, roasted marshmellows, dabbed into the world of sleep here and there, all while enjoying the beautiful night sky. Lily and myself found a spot by the fire as Logan showed us his chair tricks, and she slowly fell into a deep slumber. I watched her sleep for a while, took care of her as she snored and sneezed, then fell asleep myself to the gentle lullabys of Siler and Ray's "weenie" jokes.

Upon waking up, a few of us decided to head to Gretchen's for some hot tub action. Alex wore the smallest shorts ever created, and we relaxed for a while then headed back to Robert's through the fog and hung out for a while before leaving.

So yeah. It was a fantastic time with fantastic people, and I'm pretty sure everyone had fun. We need to have more nights like that.

I don't really know how to work this thing. Oh well.